Drowning

I'm so
Tired.
So so tired.

The world I loved to be in
Seems to be crashing down on me
Bit by bit

Crushed by my own hands
Crushed by my own words
Crushes by my own actions

Have I been taking it all in
Too greedily?
Are my seams at their wit's end?

I can feel the rage in me
Exploding in bits
Unexpectedly.

I'm sorry
I'm not as patient as I thought I would be.
I'm not as strong as I thought I could be.
I'm sorry
For I am at my weakest
Right now.

I Remember

I remember
How my kindergarten homework were always completed, somehow
The beancurd, kueh lapis and ang ku kueh after school
The afternoon naps together
The bullies that steered off after being shouted at

I remember
The dilated pupils
The oxygen mask
The heavy breathing
The cold limbs

I remember
The mispronounced words that I repeated after just to tease
The weird faces and expressions
The shouting and nagging I got used to and miss
How I'd look out the car's window just to wave

I remember
The complaints about aches here and there
The rants about us not visiting anymore
The depressing talks about jumping down
The apologies for not being able to attend my wedding

I remember
That last breath
That machine showing just a straight line
That last kiss on the forehead
That serene face

I miss you dearly,
Dear grandmother.

Today I Don't Feel Pretty

“Whatever is hurtful to you, do not do to any other person.”

For a person to be able to inflict emotional and mental afflictions to another person, he/she would need a heart void of emotions and a lack of empathy and sympathy. To acquire a heart that is void of said factors, one would probably need to go through immense emotional and mental afflictions.

So how do we get out of this vicious cycle then?

(Because I'm tired of being made to feel insecured about myself)

Here To Dump

Here I am again, still unable to pass my own hurdle. Here is the dumping ground for all the unsaid. They said confide in someone; it'll make you feel much better. But "someone", where do I find this "someone"?

Confiding in people is so easy. Though I guess I do have certain requirements and expectations for someone to be considered a confidant. 

So where do I find this "someone"?

Make and Remake Choices

I came across an article today which opened up my currently crammed mind.

Life is about making choices, either good or bad. There will be regrets, there will be second thoughts. The article I read expounded on the virtue of acceptance. While it is true that not everything ought to be accepted, it is often a virtue and a step towards serenity; to understand that not everything can be changed and that unrealistic expectations are premeditated resentments.

While I have been making and remaking my choices along the course of my life, I have yet to master the art of acceptance. Especially in accepting the way things turn out. (Not forgetting the self-proclaimed title of Queen of Second Thoughts I gave myself back in my secondary school days)

Surprisingly, my train of thoughts feels a little bit straighter now.